i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
