Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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