there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
