I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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