So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
