I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
