i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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