I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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