so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
