i just wanna soil my oats bro
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
