whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
sarcasm needs its own font
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
