New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
