Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
