Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
My ATM looks so different sober.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
