i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
We left the knife in your bed.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
