So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize