my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
