Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
