let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
