There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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