dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
