There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
