I hate your face
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
