she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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