I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
is it fun? or sober?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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