What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
