If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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