as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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