I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
