I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
