He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
