I just cut my nipple shaving
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
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