Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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