mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Randomize
