no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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