did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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