she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
