I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
This couple is walking their pig around campus
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