Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
should my penis look like a turkey
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I supernannyed him into submission
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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