god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Randomize
