Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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