Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
