it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
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