I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
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