I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Randomize
