I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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