and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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