it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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