ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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