Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
