Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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