When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
