Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
