Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
