I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
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