Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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