If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
