I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
