We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize