how can u be prego again
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Dignity is for republicans.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize