That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I'm drive I can fine osifer
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
You are the jesus of drinking
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
